Growing up, I always knew my mom’s love was forever… her kind words she said when she knew I needed them the most, the comfort she gave to my sisters and I when we were sick, or just needed some love, the way her mood would lighten up when she came home to a clean house. She was my rock, without her I didn’t think I could actually survive.
I would always think to myself, who is gonna cook me my favorite meals the way i like them? Who is going to be at my soccer games cheering me on even when I know I had a bad game? Who is going to be there when I get my first actual heartbreak? Who is going to love and comfort me every single day like my mom does?
Unfortunately, I realized that my mother wasn’t gonna be here doing those things as long as I wanted. When I needed my mom the most, she decided to be selfish. She chose to not do those things for me, she decided to not stick around when things got tough. No bash on my mother, god she was so strong at one point, but I guess anyone in this world is capable of breaking.
When I got pregnant, I was scared. Shoot, I was going to be a MOM. Someone is going to depend on me for the rest of their lives! Someone is going to need me to cook their favorite meals, someone is going to need me to be their #1 fan when they decide to choose a hobby, and someone is going to need me to comfort them when a little boy or girl decides to break their fragile little hearts. I didn’t know if I was even capable of being a mom, but then again I don’t think anyone knows until we become one.
For those long nine months, I kept blaming my mother. I kept asking myself how could she do this to me? How can she not be here during the time when I needed her guidance and comfort the most? Why is she not reassuring me that I AM capable of being a mother, that I WILL raise my daughter to be the woman God wants her to be, or just remind me that she will be here for me when things get really really tough and I feel as if I’m doing everything wrong.
Until the day my daughter was born, and I held onto her tiny little body in my arms… I knew that I was going to be the best mother I could possibly be. I knew that God put Anais in my life because he knew that I was going to learn from my mothers mistakes and grow to be better. I stopped blaming my mom, and learned to forgive her and thank her for teaching me how to be strong. I will always wish things would’ve been different and that my mom and I had a relationship. It used to hurt seeing other mother and daughter relationships, but now it makes me happy because I can’t wait to have that relationship with my own children.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so blessed my mother is still alive and being strong doing whatever she is doing out there. I was never completely alone, with the guidance of my dad, sister and aunts. I believe that I am a very fortunate mom, because my daughter not only will have her mother’s love, but she will always have her families love, just like I did.
To my beautiful, strong, big sister, I thank God everyday for blessing me with a sister like you. Without your comfort and reassurance that everything is going to be okay, I don’t know where I’d be today. I love you, more than you can ever imagine.
To my little sister, I promise you, you are not alone. Always be yourself sister, that’s what makes you so beautiful. You are going to do big things, I love you, more than you can ever imagine.
To my tia alma, Because of the open arms you had to my sisters and I when we needed someone the most, you expanded my heart so much more. I knew that we were not alone and that someone out there loved us like their own. I love you so much.
To my tia diana, Thank you for always being here when I need some guidance, your passion to succeed in school with both your babies, gives me hope that I will one day do it too. Your love, and sweet words never go unnoticed. I love you so much.
To my beautiful mother, I love you, and because of you I am going to be the BEST mom to my baby girl and other children I have one day.
To my big hearted dad, Thank you for never giving up on us, Your hard work and love has kept all three of us going each and everyday. I know all you want for us in life, is to be happy and successful and we will be, because we had one of the best coaches out there. Love you forever pops. I will always be daddy’s little girl, no matter how much you make me mad.
xo, RidingWTheRods ❤